SCENEprofiles Interview with Screamer (who writes under the pen name Kanthra Adair), Moderator of StrictlyD/s and Author of Screaming Inside, a book of erotica screamer_girl@hotmail.com http://www.thescreamergirl.com

SENSUOUS SADIE: Congratulations on publishing your first book, "Screaming Inside." What kind of erotica did you include?

SCREAMER: "Wow, everything I could imagine. There's Fem Dom stuff, Male Dom stuff - lesbian stuff - you name it, it's in there. It mirrors my first seven years in the BDSM community, and while I haven't done Everything I've written about, I've either done it or discussed doing it. The diversity in the book is varied - its mostly male dom/female submissive writing because that's my primary world."

Sadie: You are a prolific columnist as well as a self-proclaimed "book slut." What are your favorite BDSM topics to write about? Do you get some backlash for your "rants" or is it more like readers are thrilled someone finally put it out on the table?

Screamer: "Oh, I get an occasional hate mail, but not nearly as much as I expect. My favorite topics to write about are bringing reality into BDSM – getting folks OFF this big fantasy they think they're walking in to, and reminding them of the fact that diapers need changing and bills need paying. I don't see much of that out there, and I tell you – I wish it had been there seven years ago when I got really started. My rants mirror my experience with people in the community. Most people who respond immediately relate to what I'm saying and have run into the same people/problems."

Sadie: You describe your nom de plume Kanthra Adaire as "a picky submissive, in search of herself, and what she really wanted from her life." How does she differ from the real you?

Screamer: "She doesn't. She is me, three years ago. When I ended a four year relationship in California and got back to myself, that was who I was. And she still lives inside me. I don't think I'll ever know everything about myself, and frankly, who'd want to? Once you've discovered it all, there's no further reason to look inside and that just spoils all of my fun."

Sadie: You don't consider yourself too much of a "player," and yet you've published your first book of BDSM erotica. Wouldn't you consider this sufficient to vault you into the player status?

Screamer: "I used to play. A lot. I used to go to all the parties and functions and cavort around in fetish wear. I don't so much anymore. My husband is in the military and we've got to be a little more careful than we used to be. As I said, a great deal of what I've written about, I've done. There are a few in the book and on the web page that are pure fantasy, but most of it is born out of real experiences. I miss the SM sometimes. I have a toybag in the closet that's worth about $4,000. My husband and I do play at home occasionally, but in reality, the Ds is where my desires lie right now. That may change. I do find myself in flux quite often about it. It ebbs and flows, just like everything else in life."

Sadie: Your Yahoo Group "Strictly D/s" has grown to nearly 500 people. To what do you ascribe your success? What are your hopes and goals for this group?

Screamer: "Well, at one time, we had over 1000 members. But once we started hunkering down on making sure there was no spam, no flaming and no one line posts, the membership started to clear itself out. The group is optimal right now. We have folks - both dominant and submissive - who seem to come up with some really good 'not done to death' topics. We have a good mix. The group tends to concentrate on the Philosophy of Ds which is what we wanted, when we started it. My hope for the group is that it continues to discuss the intricate dance of what relationships really are, without the fluff of fantasy and online crap."

Sadie: You have some pretty strict rules for Strictly D/s such as not writing "W/we, O/our form of typing," and "Name calling is flaming. Expect to be unceremoniously removed for such an offense." What do you feel these rules have added to the group experience?

Screamer: "They've cleaned it up. We have a no tolerance policy. You screw up, you get moderated. You screw up again, you get removed. I think it makes the posts and discussion more relevant, to not have to weed through the trash to get to the 'good stuff.' The 'W/we' thing is just irritating and it's too damn hard to read. I work on a computer for my real job (I'm a programmer/analyst) and my eyes get tired. That rule alone has made people leave. But it's been incredibly productive."

Sadie: You are a submissive, but you sometimes do switch. What is the experience for you of considering yourself a submissive, but being in a dominant mode? Why not just call yourself a switch?

Screamer: "I love to top. Put a cane in my hand and I'm in heaven. I've dominated a few times, most notably with my ex, and while I enjoyed the experience, it wasn't where my heart was. I don't consider myself a ds switch, but I am an SM switch, if that makes sense. I'll top 'til the cows come home, but I'll leave the dominance to those that enjoy it with a vengeance." Sadie: In one of your columns you comment that, "most of the people who have met me…wouldn't use the word "Screamer" and "slave" in the same sentence. But in certain relationships, at certain times, I have considered myself precisely that." What is it about you that misleads people on the surface? Why do you think there is such a focus on labeling people in our community? Doesn't it make more sense that as a minority, we would be more open minded?

Screamer: "I am mouthy, sometimes arrogant and opinionated. In public venues, the only person I am submissive to is my partner. I don't 'submit' to other dominants. I am respectful, but if I disagree with something that's been said, I'm sure as hell going to say that. I do not always 'defer' to my partner. If I have a strong opinion about something, chances are, I'm going to voice it. I've said often that my husband has different strengths and knowledge than I do. I know more about money, he knows more about cars. He's a hardware geek, I'm a software geek. If he says something I disagree with, I'm going to (respectfully, naturally) disagree with him. That's not the definition of 'slave' I see used so often. Frankly, I hate labels and definitions like that. You have to define those terms yourself. If you start trying to apply other people's definitions to you, it's going to get messy."

"As far as being more open-minded, I think that's a myth. There are all kinds of people involved in BDSM. Liberals, conservatives, libertarians. Church-goers, Jewish folks, atheists. I don't think we're any more open-minded than anyone else. As a matter of fact, when it comes to kink, I think a majority of folks are more closed-minded. Just look at the issue with outing quote-unquote bad players. Look at the people saying "You can do water sports, but scat is not okay!" We all have our own view of what comes under the big-ass BDSM umbrella and what doesn't. And I rarely see a person's mind being changed. Sounds pretty closed-minded to me."

"The reason I put 'bad' in quotes is because I think that this facility has a tendency to be abused and I refuse to participate in outing."

Sadie: You believe that self-esteem is equated with personal power and self awareness for the submissive. Some might find that a little contradictory as so many submissives, and particularly many slaves don't seem to have much self esteem. Can you expand on this?

Screamer: "Do they have it? No. Should they have it? YES.

"See, if you don't have anything to give, what are you giving to the dominant? What are you submitting? What is he taking? Nothing, that's what.

"And I think there are folks who confuse slavery/deep submission with lack of self-esteem. To vanilla folks, it might look like a slave has no self-esteem. But within our ranks (I refuse to use the word community here) we should know better."

Sadie: You write, "If you're not worth it, who's going to want to be your Dominant?" And yet, you can observe people every day jumping into BDSM relationships just because the other person pretty much has a heartbeat. This is particularly common with novices who have been waiting for years to express their fantasies. What advice would you give to them?

Screamer: "STOP.

"I understand completely the urge to express yourself in ds as soon as you discover a name for it. But take it from one who has 'been there, done that' - you don't want to waste time on someone who will only end up disappointing you."

Sadie: We all hear submissives talking about how they give the gift of their submission to their Dominant, yet in one of your essays you write that, "My submission is not a gift to anyone but myself." Is this simple selfishness, or self directed in the very best of ways?

Screamer: "I think it's both. In submission, I get what I need. So, it's selfish. If it wasn't giving me what I needed, I wouldn't do it. It's just that simple. I don't GIVE him my submission. Just as he doesn't GIVE me his dominance. We are who we are and we are well suited for each other, because of that."

Sadie: How would you describe your BDSM philosophy?

Screamer: "Be smart. Be safe. Be self-aware. Be prepared. Root yourself in reality."

Sadie: Do you integrate any spiritual practices into your BDSM play? If so, in what ways?

Screamer: "My husband is Wiccan. I am - well, I dunno what I am. I was born and raised Catholic, but left the church in my mid-twenties, due to some pretty big disagreements in philosophies. I guess I'm more a Pagan. I have Celtic blood in me, and I guess it runs the strongest, so you could call me a Pagan.

"I don't really see a lot of spiritual practice in our BDSM, but our connection most definitely is spiritual."

Sadie: Your husband and Dominant is in the Navy, currently training in New London, CT. What are some of the ways you manage with him being so far away?

Screamer: "Well, I moved to CT in June, so we aren't anymore :) But for nine months, it was pretty much hell. We spoke as often as possible by phone and kept in touch with email. But he and I have lived apart before - twice - so we have it down pat :). The easiest thing for me to keep the ds flowing while apart is to do things for him that I know he'd want or like."

Sadie: Two of your hobbies are making candles and aromatherapy. In what ways do you integrate these into your play?

Screamer: "I make leather scented candles, incense and soap - ha, ha. Actually they sell pretty well to vanilla folks, too.

"Other than that, they're not really integrated at all. I always have some sort of scent in the house - candles, incense, melting tarts - something going. It makes it much more relaxing, and conducive to being comfortable."

Sadie: There's a cute photo of your cat "WhinyCat" on your website. Would you say he's dominant or submissive, as cats go…?

Screamer: "He's a dominant, no question. He now has a sister - Sophie - who is the most submissive creature I have ever met. They are a good match for my husband and I."

Sadie: Your website includes your letter to Patricia Ireland, the president of the National Organization for Women, an organization which includes policies specifically not supporting sado-masochism. Why do you think that NOW is so afraid of women choosing their BDSM orientation in this way?

Screamer: "Honestly? They're afraid of how it looks. Women being beaten into submission? She never came right out and said why, but that's it. My feelings and opinions haven't changed since I wrote that essay. It's really frustrating to me, and it's one of the reasons I left NOW to begin with. Since I left, I've seen a few other inconsistencies in their policies, and I wouldn't go back, even if they changed their stance."

Sadie: You write in your column about "protecting" submissives: "I'm a 36-year-old woman. I've gotten this far in life, I'm pretty sure I can get through the rest of it without needing a Big Bad Dominant Type Person to protect me from the evil of other Big Bad Dominant Type People." Why do you think so many Dominants feel the need to protect submissives? Do you think this approach has any basis in reality, or does it encourage an atmosphere of fear?

Screamer: "I think they feel it, because frankly, some submissives are saying they need to be protected, and the guys who are more than happy to comply (usually for sex or scenes). I never felt the need to be protected. As the essay says - if you aren't strong enough to take care of yourself, BDSM probably is NOT the place for you - until you are."

Sadie: You're living in Oregon, and are originally from the Midwest. Most of us don't think of Oregon as a hotbed for the BDSM scene, but things are exploding everywhere. How's the scene growing where you live?

Screamer: "Actually, the Portland scene has grown tremendously. Two years ago, I attended KinkFest there and had a wonderful time. It's a very open and friendly community, with groups to fit many different lifestyles. They have a great leather pride week celebration, in addition to KF and several things throughout the year. The PDX Leather Alliance is a strong organization with a great board. All in all, the community there is growing and it's a pretty nice hotbed :)"

Sadie: Is there anything else you'd like to share with our readers?

Screamer: "Use your common sense. That's about it. Submission does not mean throwing common sense out the window and expecting to be taken care of."

Sadie: Thank you very much!

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Kanthra's new book Screaming Inside is available for $12.50 from Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1893006387/thescreamergi-20/104-5857078-5020762

Kanthra's Yahoo Group: Strictly D/s An intelligent discussion list for those people 21 and over who are interested in or participating in Dominant/submissive relationships. This is not an SM or a BDSM list - this list is for D/s topics only. In no way, shape or form is the forum for personal ads. Personal ads or spam of any kind will get you banned. This is not a cuddly list. This is not a support list. We take our discussions very seriously. All kinks are welcome here, but be prepared to communicate yours if you're asked "Why." Again, this is not a support list, this is a list for intelligent discussion of real dominance and submissive subjects. Membership is moderated so expect a note from the moderator regarding being over 21 etc. To Subscribe to the Yahoo group, send an e-mail to: StrictlyDs-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

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If you enjoyed this interview, read more SCENEprofiles with BDSM personalities on Sadie's website at www.sensuoussadie.com

Sensuous Sadie is a BDSM columnist and edits SCENEsubmissions, a free e-newsletter for the New England area and beyond. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2002 Sadie Sez Publications